I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
