don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
