the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
