i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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