im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
