Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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