i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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