I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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