All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
