i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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