I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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