hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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