Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
