you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Michael Bay diarrhea
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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