So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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