dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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