i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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