So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
