I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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