So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
