That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
