if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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