Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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