My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
