This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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