i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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