I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
