Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
