How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
