I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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