mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
pray to the hookup gods
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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