As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
