Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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