idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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