Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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