if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
