im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
