I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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