you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
