I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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