Jerry, you need to find god
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
