Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I did not marry a roomba.
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