i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
