i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
