Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
