Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
