My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
