Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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