Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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