I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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