Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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