I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
