Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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