He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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