It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
