woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
