did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
