So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
