Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
