The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
