my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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