she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
