the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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