guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My butt remains clenched, sir.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
