Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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