I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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