You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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