a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
