It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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